28 feb

esok Mac.
yay or nay?
maka bermaksud ada lagi 20 hari. Ya Allah moga dipermudahkan segalanya. semoga aku sabar dan redha dengan keputusan yang aku bakal dapat nanti. Amiin.

cuak tak cuak? mesti la cuak. sampai rasa otak ni tak boleh nak fikir dah pasal result spm ni. nanti pasti akan teringat masa time zaman spm tahun lepas. perasaan mcm "aku dah buat dengan baik ke...?" "agak agak biologi boleh dpt A ke dengan soalan banyak hentam?" "fizik tu... paper 3 boleh lepas tahap lulus ke?" "essay bi, bm okay ke?" etc.

macam macam benda bermain dalam minda. sampai sesak. kadang kadang rasa macam kalau boleh undur masa nak je undur balik. tapi; kalau masa tu boleh undur.

takde la masa tu berharga kan?


aku percaya. aku dah buat terbaik.
oleh itu, aku serahkan semuanya pada Dia. Afterall, He's The Best Planner of all kan?
aku yakin semua benda yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya.
cuma aku je.
aku je perlukan keyakinan tu. untuk sepenuh hati redha, yakin, tabah dan sabar.
sebab tu aku berharap sangat mental aku ni dah bersedia sepenuhnya sebelum sampai tarikh 20 Mac tu.
doakan ya.



oh ye, next week aku jpj. lagi. sekali. omg.
aku sebenarnya kalau boleh tak mahu kenang balik kenangan pahit tu. ya, siapa tak kecewa? i was expecting that i could get through all of those things ONCE. tapi.. nasib tak menyebelahi. seharian aku gelak sedih gelak sedih sebab fikir benda ni. kecewa? mesti lah. dengan duit melayang lagi. u_u
but;
aku fikir balik. mesti ada sebab kenapa aku fail kan? (bila direnung balik sebenarnya banyak sebab) (which is, aku malas nak cakap) (but yeah)
mesti ada sebabkan?
siapa aku nak pertikaikan? nak dikesalkan?
kalau dah usaha tahap tinggi melangit pun tapi kalau Allah cakap tak, tak jugak.
so cheer up.



and.
aku masih berfikir lagi mengenai masa depan aku.
hala tuju aku.
sebab;
aku taknak menyesal dengan keputusan yang aku buat.
so, im having a hard time now (sigh)

orang kata;
buat benda yang kau betul-betul passion.

tapi..

kalau benda yang aku passion tu pun aku tak pasti apa.
dah macam mana?
i really need to think hard abt this. :(




anyway, my love from another star dah habis.
minjoon-shii thanks for making my day happy \n_n/
and thanks to you i cry like a baby uhuks.





ps. bila terbaca post hazy baru perasan blog ni hambar (cries)

Plastic

Just try closing your eyes, even though you have a past you want to forget
There are memories so wonderful that you cannot forget, either
Just try listening carefully, slip into the bustle of the city
Even though it's faint, clearly, you can hear avoice calling out to you

Don't turn your eyes to the things you don't want to see
Thinking the sun won't shine on the path before you
Retying the shoelaces that have becomeuntied
Don't give up, until you've reached your future...

By being hurt, and then tripping over your feet, letting your tears fall, people can grow up
Since you can become stronger by crossing over the hills of sadness and joy
From here, let's start walking

When the seasons changed, you rememberedlosing your bearings
"I wonder why I'm the only one who is alone, worried about the things I had to leave behind..."

That feeling when you think "I want to be strong"
While you weren't paying attention, didn't that feeling change to "willpower"?
Not just the strength to put up with everything
But the courage to react to a different wound

By being hurt, and then tripping over your feet, letting your tears fall, people can grow up
Losing sight of something, and thinking about it, when you're tired, if you try looking back just a little
You can find something

That feeling when you think "I want to be strong"
While you weren't paying attention, didn't that feeling change to "willpower"?
Retying the shoelaces that have become untied
Don't give up, until you've reached your future...

By being hurt, and then tripping over your feet, letting your tears fall, people can grow up
Losing sight of something, and thinking about it, when you're tired, try looking back just a little
Right beside you, there's someone to dry your tears...you're not alone
Since you can become stronger by crossing over the hills of sadness and joy
From here, let's start walking


"keep calm and listen to the song"
"inspired"
"...amazing"
"moving on"
"let it go"
"life is beautiful....... keep on living"




(yup)

melepaskan

bila kita buat benda buruk dekat seseorang tu;
it is really possible;
untuk benda tu berlaku pada diri ko balik.


"what you did you get back"


and i get it back of what i had done.
padan muka.
sekarang;
baru rasa diri mcm bogo sikit.
terasa macam nak bernafas tu tersekat sekat
hati rasa macam kena hentak
kepala fikir benda yang tak dapat nak dicerna
lagi lagi
bila duduk diam diam
dalam bilik penuh gelap
ditemani cahaya handphone
sambil menunggu
tanpa ada titik noktah
ego tu jangan cakap
dah berapa kali dicampak jauh
sampai terfikir bebanyak kali

"what on earth is happening to me?"

sebab dulu,
ego tu nombor satu
kena dipertahankan
kesah apa
tapi sampai satu tahap
ia memakan diri sendiri
sikit demi sikit
sakit tu
Allah je tahu.

dan
pada masa ni,
biar masa tentukan,
bila hati ni nak berhenti rasa sakit
dan belajar untuk








melepaskan.

kegagalan

aku percaya setiap apa yg berlaku ada hikmahnya.
maka,
aku bersabar.
dan redha.

cuma sedikit rasa

Dihargai.

ya.

aku hanya mahu dihargai.

aku tak perlukan ucapan terima kasih tau wang ringgit semua tu.

tapi, aku cuma perlukan,

sedikit.

cuma sedikit penghargaan atas apa yg aku buat.

susah kalau benda baik yg kita buat susah sgt nak nampak.

kalau benda yang sikit je cela dia kemain senang nak nampak.

kemudian,

pelbagai tuduhan dilemparkan seolah aku ni langsung takde khidmat yg dicurahkan.

lepastu,

bila dilepaskan perasaan yg dah lama dipendam ni,

dikatanya tak bersabar pemarah.

soalnya,

berapa lama lagi perasaan ni nak dijerut?

im just a human being.

yang dikurniakan hati dan perasaan.

aku tahu, Allah uji aku.

tapi.

ya.

kdg kdg aku terjatuh juga.

kdg kdg sabar itu hilang juga.

kdg kdg amarah itu dilepaskan juga.

kerana sememangnya,

itulah manusia.

moga aku tabah.

mission #2 - make your holiday more effective

i used to tell myself,


why does life is effing bored? i mean why?
here's my (daily-ah-so-bored-punya-routine)

wake up.
turn on the tv.
*nothing-that-really-caught-these-pair-of-eyes*
turn off the tv.
turn on the laptop
*facebooking*
*twittering*
*instagramming*
*k-drama-ing*
*end up getting bored*
turn off the laptop
lying on the cushion
take out the tab
turn on the tab
*play candy crush-farm heroes saga-pou-and-end-up-getting-bored-again-ugh*
turn off the tab
sleep
and...........

keep on doing the same above all over again.


"oh how about eating?"
"well i eat ALL THE TIME so just ignore it"


see?
that's how my daily routine is, literally.
lu kasi tolak la buat kerja rumah bagai tu since i was like living alone dkt rumah so nothing much to do.
and kalau ada pun, bila my adik adik balik baru la macam hameko rumah berselerak tapi tu cer lain.
cer yang sekarang.
cer bila cheq duduk rumah sorang sorang and yeah-----------my lifeless life.


but actually;
you know wht?
i'v been thinking abt this a lot, like rlly. alot.
and i'm guessing that it's not abt my boring life actually.
it's about me.
me.


yeah me.

seriously me?

jap..... why me??????

me?!?!??!??!!??!?!


i mean why me?




"sebab ko tak reti nak hidup dalam hidup ni."

ko paham?

which means, kalau translate dalam english, bunyinya berbunyi kayak gini;


I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE.



um yeah.


ok kenapa tetiba boleh tetiba fikir mcm?
al-kisahnya,

so, i stalked this one friend (my classmates) haha punya blog. yes, i love to read though (abt other's people punya life heh) and actually i felt so ashamed of myself. look, she's rarely on her twitter-even facebook. i can count with my so gemuk puya fingers ni berapa kali je nampak batang hidung dia dekat tl ke news feed ke apa ke. but then, bila baca blog dia kan;

"ok..... dia berkebun. bestnya!!"
"emm, banyak jgk dia search pasal scholarship bagai.........." (tak pernah terfikir ok nak search psl benda alah tu) T^T (useless)
"oh......she did applied for those work?"
"and....... (ni paling mcm terpukul)
dia dah habis hafal 3 surah dah? and now she's on her way to make it four?" (speechless) (sedih) (nak nangis)









what i want to tell you guys is that,
i rlly need to learn to live my life.
sometimes, bila rasa bosan-taktahu-nak-buat-apa,
maybe sebab hati tu dah banyak sangat buat benda lagha tu yg rasa kosong
lifeless.
maybe if i take one step ahead to make a change for myself.
you know,
use the time properly.
do something that makes benefit to me.
i won't be regretting my holiday kan kan?
dah mungkin cuti ni sepatutnya diambil peluang untuk mendekatkan diri kepada-Nya;
sebab masa bila lagi?
nanti dah start belajar semua-maybe time tu dah tak seperti time cuti sekarang ni.
kan?
(even mmg macam susah sbb gua ni pun tahap malas tu menggunung u____u)
but............

i should give a try kan?

so;

1) instead of twittering, facebooking etc how abt you search something yg lebih berfaedah?
search scholarship ke educational programmes ke apa apa ke...... janji ada la jgk benda bermanfaat kan?

2) jgn nak melangut dekat rumah. baik ko try tgk rumah ni sepah ke tidak vacuum ke lap cermin ke mop lantai ke apa ke.........sapu rumah ke haaaa... jadi la orang gaji tak berbayar pun ikhlaskan diri mu takpe la kan? (pahala gak dapat) (nanti mama jgk bangga lepastu takde la bebel lagi kan u_u)

3) kurangkan benda lagha, banyakkan amalan ehem. (T^T)

4) driving class. jpj test (must........ wajib lulus!!!!!!!!!!!)

5) habiskan drama korea my love from another star eh eh. hahaahahahahahahhahahahahaha. (ok sharina rasa nak lempang)



anyways, do pray for me x

and
(for those lifeless jobless people out here like me) pls.

never lose hope (y)
and keep on making yr holiday much much more effective.
peace.

maka jgn berjanji kalau tak ditepati

aku dah cakap kan?
kalau kau tak mampu nak tunaikan janji tak perlu rasanya nak berjanji.
sebab aku muak.
dengan janji bogo yang kau nak bagi dekat aku.
sesungguhnya
prinsip aku mudah;
kalau ko rasa ko tak mampu,
so pls just let it go.
tak payah pertahankan benda yang tak mungkin.
tak perlu rasanya kalau ko nak perbodohkan diri ko,
buat aku rasa semak menyampah
dengan buat janji dusta ko tu.



sebab sungguh.
kau nampak betul betul rendah di mata aku sekarang ni.

aku dah cakap,
"kalau tak mampu tunaikan tak payah janji sbb aku tak harapkan benda ni"

tapi kau degil.

dan sekarang.


aku tak peduli lagi.









ps. happy february.